2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
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No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.