Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Somebody call the cops.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
oh good, now I can stop drinking
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note