I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.