The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*