I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.