Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Worst Native American name ever.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Who called it baking and not making love
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.