Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
The Sun
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”