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My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
is this store having a stroke wtf
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
accurate
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage