WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*