“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“A little help here, Danny?”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it