getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.