Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
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My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”