[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.