Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.