I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
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Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.