culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”