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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Jesus Christ lmao
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
And then there were 4
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.