“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
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i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I wish this was real life…
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Covid like
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.