Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
🍞🦆
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
This a good idea
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
twitter is a journey
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?