My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
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We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Otters see a butterfly.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?