[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
sounds kinky. i’m in.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
What personal space?
My dog
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.