*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her