My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Doggies just call it style.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.