I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.