If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Buck naked
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Truth
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.