So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
good let them take over I have had enough
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
time for some seasonal decor
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough