Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.