Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
my retirement plan is braless
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)