I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My whole life was a lie.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.