Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
what does he know…
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*