MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
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Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
A French press is when you hug naked
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact