st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“That’s what” – She
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
British websites use biscuits.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
This is the one
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
watergate? u mean a dam??
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.