“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
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I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Only Americans understand
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
who will stop them
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..