Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
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Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.