Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
This one’s “Alex”.