I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
💁🏻♂️
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.