Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.