My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )