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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.