Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
You Might Also Like
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
prepare for carbonated trouble
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.