OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true