Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
You Might Also Like
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*