Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”