My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off