GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!