My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Cardio Made Easy
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.