Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
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imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
OKAY DAD
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house