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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.