Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.