A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991